A Review of “The Duchess” October 26, 2008

Do you remember a few years ago when Sophia Coppola made Marie Antoinette? The story of a young naïf trapped in an emotionless arranged marriage? A dreamy, frosty princess movie saddled by an explicit chore—to bear a male heir? Well, if you don’t remember it, see it. And if you do remember it, you don’t need to see The Duchess.

Don’t get me wrong. Marie Antoinette is a slow, meandering movie, but it uses that daze and delirium to demonstrate Marie’s alternating bondage and frivolity.  But unlike Marie Antoinette, The Duchess’ sleepy story has no drive or purpose. It’s simply sad and boring, drawn out and frustrating.

Keira Knightley stars as Georgiana, Duchess of Devonshire, a young naïf trapped in an emotionless arranged marriage saddled by an explicit chore—to bear a male heir. The Duke of Devonshire, played by an android Ralph Fiennes, is a paper thin character who spends most of his time just standin’ around or eating mutton. Even so, the Duke provides almost all of the impetus for the dreary plot, first by shunning Georgiana, then raping her, then separating her from her true love, then giving away her child, and finally by bedding her best friend. If this sounds at least exciting, it isn’t. By the end of the film, we know only one thing: the Duke is one bad dude. But what we don’t know is why. Zero history or insight is given as to why the Duke is so cruel; he’s not even cruel for cruelty’s sake. He’s simply void, selfish, petty, and powerful, and he’s evil because the story requires him to be so.

Any fan of Knightley’s would assume that after enough bullying by her husband, she would summon up some of that good ol’ Knightley pluck and fight back.  Miss Swann did it; Elizabeth Bennett did it. Sadly, The Duchess does not. Like a high-strung horse, she is broken down, ultimately resigning herself to the Duke’s rein, a tack which Romola Garai took with much more depth in Daniel Deronda.

Aside from the lovely costuming and a resounding feeling of “But why?!”, there is nothing at all remarkable about The Duchess. The cinematography is so bland it could hardly be called cinematography, the score is sadly lacking despite being written by the usually brilliant period composer Rachel Portman, and the dialogue is plain and witless.  Even the emotion is contrived. A point is made of the Duchess wearing elaborately beautiful wigs, and yet late in the film, in a moment of what we’re to believe is intense grief, Georgiana’s wig—not her natural hair— is disheveled and tangled. It’s as if she told her lady-in-waiting that morning to ‘give me something that says “distress and angst.”’

A lineage tells us about Georgiana’s daughter and granddaughter, but it never quite makes it’s actual point—that the Duchess was the great-great of the late Lady Diana Spencer. And so it goes with the entire film. The point is never quite made, decisions are never quite followed through on, the villain is never quite understood, and the end doesn’t come quite soon enough. If it seems like I spent a lot of time discussing other films in this review, it’s because everything in The Duchess has been done before, and been done better, in other movies.  C-

 

The Low Down: This movie was excruciatingly boring and pointless. The fabrics were lovely. Dominic Cooper looks better without his wig on, but still has a sort of Cro-Magnon thing going on. Don’t go see this movie. But, if you do, watch out for the lines “Harryo, wahoo!” and “You can stay behind and take care of our husband” (said to the mistress!). These are the only bright spots in the movie. What to do the rest of the time? Um, popcorn? Take a book? Try that Etch-a-Sketch in the dark thing you’ve heard about? LD Grade: D

More Quotes From Dr. M. October 22, 2008

Dr. M. (so called in order to keep Dr. Macey anonymous) is forever piping up with the cutest/smartest/weirdest statements in class.  Here is part two of an ongoing catalogue of his best little nuggets:

 

“Have you seen the wonderful Latin translation of ‘Cat in the Hat’?”

“You won’t catch Vergil rhyming.”

“Are we all straining to be literate?”

“Boy, the Romans loved dates.”

“To speak Latin in the ancient world was to be human.”

“Can you be heroic and ineffective at the same time?”

“How can you be interested in people you’ve hypothesized? Actually, sometimes they’re the most interesting.”

“English is the poor body that got buried under Norman armor and Latin books. English then clambered out of the wreckage and said, “I’m still here, I just sound different.”

“This was a generic snake. Well, not that generic because it talks to people.”

“That’s for your enjoyment, or for recycling.”

“Authoritarianism has never gone over well in England. Just ask Charles I.”

“This has been an extraordinary day, and not in the good way.”

” ‘I’ is about the slenderest word you can make.”

“Prose will make you happy if the poetry didn’t.”

“You spontaneously speak well, not because you swallowed a grammar book, but because you think clearly.”

“You all look very studious. We should have a photographer come in and take photos for the website.”

“It’ll be kind of exciting, like a picnic. We’ll have cookies and move to another room. We’ll make that warm, fuzzy feeling last all week.”

“If you see IT, tell them we’re killing trees because they didn’t fix our speakers.”

“There’s plenty to be scared of in life, but you can’t be scared of everything.”

“Would you prefer to be amused in the dark or in the light?”

“You were going to think and listen before, but now we’re going to imagine.”

“Lake Ontario–the least great of the Great Lakes.”

“There will be a Korean movie on Friday night in CB120. I will also be doing magic, you know, to lure people in.”

“A really mushy banana is worse than a crunchy banana.”

A Collection of Embarrassing Items Culled From a Variety of Sources October 19, 2008

You should be embarrassed if:

1. You hide from someone behind a door, and they find you.

2. You wave back at someone who’s not waving at you.

3. Your wife says she wants another baby, and you immediately think, “Crap, that’ll be another child support payment.”

4. You get caught watching High School Musical.

5. You make plans to see High School Musical 3 when it comes out on October 24. Yes, October 24.

6. You wolf whistle when you see Zac Efron, the feminine, bobbly little cutie.

7. You buy your cap and gown and tassel and then discover that your parents will be in the Caribbean on graduation day.

8. You accidentally reveal a secret while explaining how good you are at keeping secrets.

9. A date ditches you for a Def Leppard concert. No, actually, good riddance. I mean, Dep Leppard?

10. You can’t remember that one girl’s name, over and over and over again.

You should not be embarrassed if:

1. You don’t know what people are talking about. Just ask them.

2. You’re a Republican. It’s perfectly acceptable to be a Republican.

3. You like American Idol.

4. You’re telling the truth to a friend.

5. You love antiques and tea and lace; they’re quite lovely.

6. You’re giving your honest opinion.

7. He thought it was a date, and it was not.

8. You’re nervous. There is no shame in being nervous even though nervousness feels like it is comprised almost entirely of shame.

9. You’re not good at basketball. They can’t read as fast as you or throw a pot on a potter’s wheel.

10. Your stomach gurgles. Everyone’s does.

TV You Should Be Watching October 4, 2008

Well, the fall television season has officially started. The Office is back, ABC had their “National Stay At Home Week” premiere campaign, and the writer’s strike is a distant memory. With all the oldies and the newbies to choose from, how do you decide what to watch? A DVR can only hold so much! Well, votes have been tallied, opinions registered, and decisions made. Here’s what we’re watching. And by ‘we’ I mean me.
1. The Office

Simply a delight. A fine brush tribute to subtle awkwardness and quiet love. And it’s hysterical. We have a proposal, a demotion, a new character, a goatee…all in the premiere of a show that’s already given us so much. The Office  has been an innovator of network comedy with extended shows, character blogs, and webisodes. A love story, quotable quotes. Beets. Bears. Battlestar Galactica. And it’s continually done so with consistently high quality humor that doesn’t come at the expense of heart. 

2. The Big Bang Theory

The Big Bang Theory is almost new enough to be considered a new show. It barely cranked out a half season before the strike, but proved itself to be one of the brightest, lightest new comedies of the year. Dumb-as-a-doornail blonde moves in next door to a pack of genius level geeks. Sound trite? Cheap? It’s not. This show, grounded by lovable everyman Johnny Galecki, gives these characters true depth. Our characters Sheldon, Leonard, Howard, and Rajesh love Star Trek, trivia, and physics, and their intricate science insights and rationalized humor styles are quick, smart, and surprisingly relatable. Newcomer Jim Parsons steals the show as the stodgy, analytical Sheldon; he’s like a Los Angelean Data, or Seven of Nine, or The Doctor, the Borg even…actually any of Star Trek’s emotionless, rational characters. But funny. Watch it; you won’t be sorry, you’ll laugh a lot, and you’ll leave feeling smarter (and cooler) than when you came.

3. The Mentalist

I don’t normally watch procedural dramas, but I have two on the list this season. The first is a new show, The Mentalist, which doesn’t take itself quite as seriously as some of its CBS counterparts. Aussie import Simon Baker, sparkling and sunkissed as usual, stars as con-psychic Patrick Jane, a Monk/Psyche-esque ‘guy who notices stuff’ and solves crimes. But where Monk and Pysche come off as cute but kitschy, The Mentalist’s Jane hides a searing pain behind all those sparkling smiles. He gleefully reads people, tricks them, bluffs them; he’s arrogant, petty, and pranky. Yet the backstory deaths of his wife and daughter torment him in a way that would cripple any other man.  

We’re only  two episodes in. Hopefully, this show will be able to suss out a following. Oh, also, CBS? Simon Baker should be using his own native Australian accent for the part; that’s one of the things that makes him sparkling and sunkissed. Shame on you for making him ‘American.’ 

4. Bones

The second procedural drama that you should be watching is Bones. Like The Mentalist, this show has all the grisly blood and guts you could ever want in a procedural, but it also has a frothy, funny tangy aftertaste. Emily Deschanel and David Boreanaz, smarties and cuties both, solve horrendous crimes–along with their ridiculously high tech team of scientists and gadgeters– while building a true partner friendship. The kind of friendship that isn’t usually seen on TV; sure, these two have chemistry, but their characters aren’t being forced into falling in love. They’re becoming real friends, and it’s quite nice. 

5. Project Runway

Hurry! This brilliant Bravo show runs in the summer season, but if you’re quick, you can catch the final episodes. A seemingly simple (even stupid?) concept translates into one of the best shows on television, reality or no. Quirky, talented young fashion designers make what Tim Gunn tells them to make, whether it’s clothes made out of car parts or a high fashion collection for Bryant Park. And then Heidi Klum tells someone to go home. It’s all the stuff that happens in between that makes this show terrific. That, and the clothes. 

6. Gavin and Stacey

This British show, which airs on BBCAmerica, is a lovely little diamond in the rough. Gavin and Stacey decide to marry after a whirlwind romance; the show centers on how their two families combine in the weeks leading up to their marriage. This ensemble show is entirely about watching delightful, idiosyncratic characters–a monotone, straight talking best gal pal, a lazy, half-cocked best man, a Welsh uncle, a stable father, a pandering mother, a rowdy pack of London blokes–rally around the young couple. BBCAmerica. If you don’t have it, get it. You’ll need it when Jonas Armstrong and Richard Armitage return in Robin Hood anyway.

7. The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Fresher than Leno. Funnier than Letterman. Randomer than Conan. Smarter than Kimmel. Scotsman Craig Ferguson is the manifestation of all that is good about late night television. Late night is a place to relax in, to play and laugh in, a place to be silly and carefree. Ferguson’s blazing comedic acuity, running gags, and warm demeanor make The Late, Late Show the best late show, period.

8. The Middleman

Okay, okay. The Middleman isn’t actually on during the fall season. Premiering in the summer, this ABC Family show had all the ingredients for disaster. It’s a tongue-in-cheek super spy show with fairly cheesy effects and a super-bot that speaks with a Wisconsin accent. But disaster did not ensue. Instead, Matt Keeslar and Natalie Morales, as virtuous super spy and wry spy-in-training respectively, fight off supernatural and alien baddies while slinging fast-paced, intricate dialogue that would make the Gilmore Girls‘ heads spin. And, like Bones, The Middleman balances all of its tomfoolery with the glow of deep, interesting, true friendship that is simply a joy to be a part of. 

9. Dr. Horrible’s Sing-A-Long Blog

All right! You caught me again! Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog isn’t even a television show. Funded and written by Joss Whedon during the writer’s strike, Dr. Horrible is a genre-bender to say the least. It’s part parody, part musical, part super-hero story, with smatterings of comedy, drama, and tragedy thrown in. Neil Patrick Harris is a likable, can’t-quite-hack-it evil villain who wants to take over the world, but the ridiculous Captain Hammer, a very smarmy Nathan Fillion, stands in  his way. Find it on iTunes or watch it on drhorrible.com or hulu.com.

A Continued List of Shows You Should Be Watching/Special Shout-Outs:

Pushing Daisies: The affable, lovely Lee Pace touches a dead person, and they come to life. If he touches them again, dead. A whimsical, romantic, quirky look at love in the life of a pie maker named Ned. 

Flight of the Conchords: Affable, dimwitted New Zealanders sing, dance, and deadpan. 

Dirty Jobs with Mike Rowe: Affable, intelligent Mike Rowe pays tribute to people with crazy hard jobs, the jobs that make the world go ’round. 

Bizarre Foods with Andrew Zimmern: Affable, hungry Andrew Zimmern pays tribute to disgusting ‘delicacies’ as he goes ’round the world. 

House Hunters International: DO NOT CONFUSE THIS SHOW WITH HOUSE HUNTERS!  The international version of this show makes you feel like maybe you, too, could one day move to an adventurous place like Fiji, Amsterdam, or Rome.

Brian Regan comedy specials: Finally, a clean comedian who’s actually funny. Actually, very, very funny.

Greek: The typical teen drama without any of the typical cheap writing, soulless acting, or ridiculous plots.

Cash Cab and Cash Cab After Dark: Get in a cab driven by the affable, multi-tasking Ben Bailey in NYC. If you’re stupid, you have to get out. If you’re smart, you win money.

Prison Break: This show is finally getting good again. ‘Pretty’ is running, Teabag is gunning, and Dr. Tancredi still has her head.